if i went back to high school

Call me crazy, but I didn't exactly enjoy high school.  I thought a lot of it was such a waste of time and all I wanted to do was get out and into the real world.  I always thought there was something bigger waiting for me and nobody else seemed to understand that.

My first year there was alright. I found my "crowd" and we had the best of times.  I had boyfriends and best friends. Over the remaining years however, we fell apart as lots of teens do.  Some for good reasons, and others just because.  I still to this day couldn't tell you exactly why. One thing I do know though, is that those people weren't meant to be a part of my future.

I went through periods of wishing for my old friends to get back together and wondered why we had let things come between us in the first place.  I went through other periods of not wanting to even try to befriend anyone else because I just wanted to get out of there.  I struggled through the last year in the friend department. I had one best friend and we had none of the same schedules or lunches.  I would be lost come lunch time and I had even worked my schedule out so that I had shorter days... having classes start at 10am and leaving by 1pm some days.  I had started a new life outside of high school and none of the people at my school seemed interested in the same things.  I was really into going to concerts, stalking bands, and hanging out with my friends from different school, and even different countries. It was THEM I yearned for, not these "lame high school kids".

back when film was the norm and i refused to wear my hair down

In high school, I was not a "nerd" or anything. People generally liked me and I had tons of acquaintances, just not a lot of super close friends.   I just didn't put myself out there.  I was this little skater chick who went through a brief experimental phase with the raver scene... you know, colourful necklaces, weird freakin' pants, etc.  It was normal back then.

I was shy with boys. I would never raise my hand in class. I wouldn't stand up to a teacher. I didn't join any teams. Basically I just didn't care enough to. My adventurous life began after I was done school.

I think about these things now, and the person I've become.  I am nothing like I was back in high school.  I can't even believe the person I was.  I love that though. I love knowing that people I went to high school with wouldn't recognize me if they knew me today.  I love knowing that I have evolved in some way.

I feel sad for some of the people I graduated with. They are exactly the same. Same group of friends, same boyfriend/girlfriend, same general demeanor and attitude. I wonder if these people have evolved at all.

If I were to go back to high school, knowing what I know now, it would be a completely different place.  I would be confident. I'd try harder to make friends.  I'd realize that teachers really don't have all the power.  I'd know how dumb it is to be shy around a silly boy.

I would know how to truly be me.